Donald Trump has had his plans to build a golf course in the middle of a Site of Special Scientific Interest turned down by a democratic council meeting, so he's given them thirty days to reconsider their decision.Donald? Hello? Over here? Hi. Now. What part of "Fuck Off" did you not understand the first time?
Back at the dentist this week for some more root canal treatment. When Tanya took my hand and asked me to "Kom vith me", I thought my luck was in. Especially when she led me into a small room and bolted the door shut. Just the two of us, how cozy!
But what she slipped into my mouth wasn't her tongue after all, just an X-ray plate. Boo!
I once had a Polish French teacher called Tanya Smölka. God, she was hot! Even though I was only thirteen, I could tell she fancied me.
So did my French Polish teacher, Brian the woodwork master. But that's another story.
How do you get rid of dullards?
We've been befriended by the most boring people on the planet. A typical scenario - phone rings. "Hi, we've been out shopping at IKEA, is it ok if we pop in?" Um, ok. I put the kettle on. Before it has even come to the boil, they are at the door. IKEA is five miles away and they live beyond that.
He's ok, he just goes through to the bedroom to play computer games with my eleven-year-old grandson and his chum.
But Mrs Dishwater? To paraphrase Douglas Adams, she could talk all eight legs off a tarantula and it would still try to drag itself away and hide. I don't know exactly what she talks about, I can never stay awake long enough. Mrs Farty has to give me a poke to wake me as they leave.
Perhaps we could feign death?
Elf and Safety. Killjoys in Alnwick District Council have banned Santa from driving his sleigh around Northumberland in case, breaking a thirty-year tradition, he falls off and hurts himself.Twats.
I thought I was seeing things when out shopping at the weekend, but no. There is indeed such a thing as a Snow Calendar. Just the thing to brighten up a summer's day, er...no, wait.And finally...this, from memory, from a spoof lonely hearts ad long ago.
Let us hold hands, take flight and soar on the fiercest winds. Let us race each other to the ends of the earth and back. Let us explore the deepest caverns, go diving into ancient shipwrecks, climb the highest mountains and exalt in our power over nature. Let us share our deepest, darkest, most intimate secrets.
You first.
