Somehow, this has run up to 48 points, many of which make no sense at all. Maybe I should sign up to Twatter and send them off as soon as they happen? Oh. Too late. Oh, well...
Jade Goody has got cancer. Now I feel bad, as if my calling her a fat ugly bitch somehow contributed to her present condition. No, wait. I didn't call her ugly. So that's alright then. But she is ugly. Damn. Now I have said it. I feel bad. Forgive me?
So who remembers Red Hat Lady from last months wedding? I was asked to email my most excellent photos to one of the bridesmaids. Who sent them on to her dad. Who forwarded them to his best mate. Who is Red Hat Lady's dad. Did I mention that I left the captions on the pictures? And that her dad is the one ogling her boobs? The dirty old pervert!
The Olympics are over for another four years, thank FSM. I only got around to watching ten minutes of Women's Beach Volleyball, after Mrs Farty went to bed. You need plenty of stamina, good hand-eye co-ordination and strong wrists for that game. And a box of tissues.
Apparently an Embra bloke called Chris Hoy has won some medals for pedalling really fast. Really, really fast. He trained at Scotchland's only velodrome, at Meadowbank stadium in Embra. And the cooncil are commemorating his achievement by naming the brand new velodrome after him. The new velodrome in Glasgow, where the 2014 Commonwealth Games will be held. And Meadowbank? Will be demolished and sold off to the highest briber, so that yet more flats/apartments can be built. Cunts.
Oh! Oh! Esmée Denters is releasing her first album soon! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Shoelace burglar. Need I say more? Ok. Twat shoelace burglar.
Feminine logic. Mrs Farty took the kitchen clock down to clean it, turned it around and declared that we'd need to get a new one.
"Why?"
"Because the back is filthy."
"But no-one can see the back, so no-one will know."
"I'll know."
Some poor author (and former Children's Laureate) has had her book pulled from the shelves after three (3) parents complained about the use of the word "twat". But not until 150,000 copies had been sold. Now the publishers are changing the word to "twit".
Trapper keeper. WTF is that?
Pensioners are demanding that the road sign for old people crossing, a pair of hunched figures hobbling on walking sticks, is changed because it's too condescending. As it says in the Telegraph article, "A spokesman for the Department for Transport said that the sign was not intended to depict elderly people, but those who were frail." I must be getting old, I could swear that sign says "Elderly People".Anyhoo, old people are much more mobile these days than we give them credit for. Vide:
Calling ugly ducklings everywhere! (Does that include Ms. Goody?) The mayor of Mount Isa is looking for ugly women to redress the gender imbalance in his town, where men outnumber women by five to one. The local ladies are, predictably, up in arms and calling for the mayor's resignation. "It paints the women here as second rate and suggests that men will settle for anything. He has put everyone down," said Rikki Loccisano, who unaccountably refused to be photographed.
Now. Who can tell the difference between this:
...and this?
Anybody? No? You at the back? That's right. The first one is a cute, cuddly otter and the second one is a vicious, hungry, brutal crocodile. Or is it vice-versa? And just how drunk would you have to be to get them confused? Two words: Darwin Awards.
Phew! That's brought it right down to 39. Sigh.
