Psychiatrists 'Worse Than Useless', Psychiatric Study Shows

A new study in The Lancet has proven what many of us have suspected for years: criminally insane nutjobs have been blagging their way back out of secure units into 'scare in the community' programs by 'telling lies' to their psychiatrists.

Typical phrases seen over and over in the psychiatric evaluation reports include: "I feel fine now, doctor", "No, really, it was just that one episode" and "I hardly ever get the urge nowadays to run amok with a meat cleaver in the local shopping centre".

Closer examination of the data leads to the earth-shattering conclusion that out of 2500 violent lunatics who went on the rampage after their release, all of them without exception would, if locked up indefinitely, have only been able to harm themselves or other schizos. Who don't count.

Shrinks have been quick to defend their profession, claiming that they never expected loons to be able to string more than a few words together, never mind come up with a coherent argument for why they should be allowed near sharp objects.

"So tell me again," said leading trick-cyclist Albrecht Schadenfroher, "what's this thing you call a 'lie'? I can't quite get my head around it."