World Mourns IRA Backer

The world was in mourning last night for the notorious killer and terrorist fundraiser Edward "Ted" Kennedy, who died after his own revolted body turned against him in disgust.

Best known for the 1969 killing of political campaigner Mary Jo Kopechne at Chappaquiddick, Kennedy was also heavily involved in financing terrorist organisation the Irish Republican Army (IRA), holding innumerable fundraising parties in order to pay for guns, ammunition, training, bomb-making materials, etc.

Sinn Féin mastermind Gerry Adams said, "If it hadn't been for Ted's relentless fundraising activities, we, er, I mean the IRA would have run out of money to buy guns back in the 1970s, but thanks to his help, we, um, they were able to kill British soldiers, policemen and the hated Protestants right through the '80s, '90s and on into the 21st century. For that, terrorists everywhere owe him an undying debt of gratitude."

In 2004, airline agents acting on the advice of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) attempted to block the known terrorist backer from boarding five separate flights, but on each occasion the silver-tongued killer was able to con officials into believing that he was in fact a respected US Senator and allowed to proceed with his campaign of terror.

Finally, however, Kennedy's own brain turned against him and successfully finished him off on Tuesday, August 25, 2009. He will be missed only by supporters of terrorism.