fence designs: March 2009

Computer Terms Illustrated #25

What can I inflict on you today? Hmmm...

Handshake

Twhirl

The Volume is Dirty

Secure Point of Entry

Superuser

Evil Bit

Easter Eggs

Twain

Interpreter

Why No, I Don't Drive. Why Do You Ask?

Formula 1 driving. WTF is the fascination with fast cars being driven in close proximity to other drivers around the same track over and over and over? Surely it just encourages the audience to engage in reckless behaviour when they themselves take the wheel. Can you picture the same mad enthusiasm if the sport were some other life-threatening activity?

Coming soon to Sky Sports 1:

F1 Smoking. The B&H championship launches amidst a blaze of publicity and a cloud of smoke.

F1 Leaving Your Pet Locked In The Car During A Heatwave. How long can Rex survive as the thermometer climbs ever higher?

F1 Leaving The Iron On. Can the Fire Brigade get there in time?

F1 Running With Scissors. An old favourite, this. Get the Band-Aids ready, mum!

F1 Standing On A Chair To Hang Curtains. Put the emergency services on standby!

And finally, what can beat Formula 1 Ladder-Climbing Whilst Carrying an Open Tin of Paint?

A Brief History of Scotchland - Part 7

'Twas in the year 1689 that the Mobile City of Dundee launched a furious, but ultimately abortive attack on the scourge of Scotchland, Janette and Ian Tough. This epic pub brawl went down in the annals of history as the Battle to Kill The Krankies.

A couple of early casualties in the meleé were the Earl a' Murraymints and his beautiful wife, the Lady Mondegreen, who fought and ultimately died side by side just a century beforehand and a hundred miles to the north. Or south. What do you want, accuracy? Sheesh. That's what Uncyclopedia's for.

Only one intrepid Scotchman escaped the battle unscathed. Mr Donald MacBean of Auchtershoogle was out walking his pet haggis, Shuggy, when he heard the rumble of the approaching city. Without a moment's hesitation, he lifted up his wooden kilt, yelled, "I fart in your general direction!" and let loose an almighty blast.

The force of the resulting eruption, thought to be fuelled by mashed neeps (turnips), propelled Mr MacBean clear across the river Garry to safety. Shuggy's fate is not recorded.

Sadly, although Dundee won the match 5-0, The Krankies lived to fight another day and can still be heard murdering the Scotch language at Christmas pantomimes and TV specials (rates negotiable).

Any resemblance of the above tale to historical accuracy is purely coincidental.

Family 'too rich to work'

Phil and Betty Windsor own most of Hampshire and haven't done a day's work between them in over half a century.

They say that they don't need to work as they claim benefits of over £7 million every year to help them run their vast estates.

Betty spends her days walking the corgis around the local estate, while Phil abuses foreigners at every opportunity.

Eldest son Charlie relies on state handouts even though he runs a shop in Cornwall with his horse, selling biscuits, wine and other overpriced crap to unsuspecting tourists.

Daughter Annie is a rugby groupie, travelling up and down the country to eye up the players as they scrummage in the mud.

Incredibly, the family refuse to get proper jobs, claiming their land and titles are hereditary - even though Betty herself handed Charlie the Principality of Wales on a whim.

Silver spoon

The family, who own a total of 84 castles, palaces and stately homes, spend £50,000 a week on food and say they wouldn't be seen dead eating beans on toast.

"One has one's Fortnum & Masons hampers delivered three times a day," says Betty. "One can get top-notch Beluga caviar at bargain prices. It really adds a zest to roast swan and quail's eggs."

"That little whippersnapper Billy said he wanted to join the filth," says Phil of his eldest grandson, "but we soon knocked some sense into him and now he regularly flies a helicopter over to his girlfriend's house for a weekend shag. Good for him I say!"

When asked to comment, a London taxpayer said, "They're worth every penny, Gawd bless 'em! I 'ad that Eddie in the back of my cab once, he was a right gayer. Not that there's anything wrong with that."