"Q, You Are A Shite..."

"...For Shore Eyesh." Yes, it's Sean Connery's birthday. The first proper James Bond was born and bred in...wait for it...Embra! Happy Birthday, 007!

This global warming is freaking me out, Embra's now into its fourth sunny day in a row after almost four months of cloud and rain. Well, mustn't grumble. Let's see what's in the news...

Timothy Brady has been done for speeding - or should that be flying without a pilot's licence? 172mph? That's more than a hundred miles per hour above the speed limit. Why on earth do they even make cars that can achieve these speeds?

Boffins (dontcha luv that word?) have discovered a Hole In Space almost a thousand million light years across. It's completely empty - no stars, no galaxies, no dark matter, not even dust. The void can be found between the ears of Timothy Brady.

A German woman was outraged after finding that she'd been having sex with her boyfriend's brother. Her BF, who was embarrased about having a tiny willy, would insist on putting the lights out before bonking her. In the darkness, he would then swap places with his brother (hiding in the toilet), who would satisfy the GF before switching places once more. Sounds suspiciously like the one about the woman who turned the light on to discover her not-too-well-endowed husband of twenty years diddling her with a dildo. When she asked him to explain himself, he replied, "Only after you explain the kids."

A Neighbourhood Watch scheme in Lancashire has recruited a burglar to help them combat crime. So far, Marcell Vollings has allegedly suggested keeping jewellery on display, so that you can tell if it's gone missing; leaving keys in the ignition, to save looking for them when you go out; and avoiding labelling white goods with UV ink, in case you want to sell them later.

One more? Flat-chested policewomen in the Northern Constabulary have been ordered to wear fluorescent clothing so that members of the public know who to point and laugh at. You couldn't make it up. Well, you could, but it wouldn't be half as funny.